Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
