Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I have already put on my inside pants.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize