Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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