he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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