from now on my penis is your penis
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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