I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize