I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
