she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
