Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
