Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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