also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
its not stalking. its research.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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