I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
