You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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