oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
