she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
