I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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