i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
