I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
