That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
