even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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