please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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