I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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