Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
