she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
