I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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