Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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