Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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