Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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