How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
