I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize