Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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