It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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