I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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