Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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