i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
