im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
