I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
