i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
