How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
