We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
