Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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