Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
