cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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