Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
