I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize