I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
