she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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