he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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