I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
