I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
