And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
