Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
