i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
