It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
