When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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