He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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